It wasn’t exactly the wedding from hell, but by the time it was overwith, the bride was wishing the’d eloped. Which is what we were all telling them to do.

I’m talking about the wedding I went to in Tulsa, recently. Kay’s nephew, Bruce, was getting married to the love of his life, Kara. What made everything difficult was that Kay’s sister is divorced from the groom’s father, who is remarried and has a whole ‘nuther family. I probably don’t even have to tell you the tension that caused. To make matters worse, Kay’s sister lives in a double-wide.. a fact the bride’s family has far too much fun with. Powder keg. I was breaking up fights as soon as I walked in the door of the church.

Next came the reception dinner. Bruce had reserved the banquet room at a Tulsa restaurant for 8pm. Another family had the room before us, but they showed up late for their reservation and refused to leave at 8. And at 8:30. And at 9:00. Finally, the last of them left and the rehearsal party was seated. BUT.. when it came time to order, the waitstaff informed everyone that the kitchen was closing at 10:00, so they’d have to make do with appetizers. As Grunwald said, “I’m sure they’ll remember those mozzarella sticks for the rest of their lives.”

The wedding almost didn’t come off …all because of a cake. It was supposed to have a little fountain underneath the bottom slab of the cake. I don’t know if you call them slabs, but I do. The cake person didn’t bring the proper columns to lift the cake high enough to put the fountain underneath. They weren’t going to fix it, either. Doing so required driving back to their shop which was half an hour away. The wedding was set to begin in 20 minutes. Bruce told the girl, “If there’s not a fountain under that cake when the bride comes in here after the ceremony, then it’s a free cake.” The woman made the round trip to her shop, got the proper columns and got it all put together just as the bride and groom entered the reception hall/basketball court.

Yes, the reception was held in a gym. Luckily, nobody brought a basketball. There was already enough tension between the three families that the introduction of a basketball would have made the Pacers-Pistons brawl seem tame.

There wasn’t supposed to be food at the reception. There wasn’t anything to drink, either. Remember, this is a Baptist wedding: no alcohol. (There was a vending machine in the corner, however, for anyone wanting anything other than the punch). But, back to the food issue: Kay’s sister had bought food and had started cooking for 40 people, figuring everyone would com to her house after the reception for dinner. Then, out of the blue, the bride’s family showed up at the reception with submarine sandwiches. This left Kay’s sister with dinner for 40 and only 8 of us to eat it. If you need a slab of ribs, she still has ten or so left. Let me know and I’ll have them shipped to you.

The photographer was on the clock and running out of time, so the Bruce and Kara had to race through cutting the cake, tossing the boquet (there was no garter toss.. these are Baptists, remember) and pretending to leave on their honeymoon just so they could get the pictures.

Once the reception was over and Bruce’s father and I put away all the tables and chairs (there must have been a basketball game scheduled for later), the bride plopped down in the middle of the floor and said, “You were right. We should have eloped.”

I’m not going to name names, but there were more than a few faithful Baptists begging me to mix them something stronger by the end of the night. I happily obliged.

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